I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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