My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
