i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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