I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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