I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
