my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
