You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
