you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize