he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
