So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
