Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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