We're facebook friends in real life
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
