I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
