This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize