i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
