She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
