if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
