Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
