Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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