I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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