"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
