You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize