That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
