I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
