Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
