It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Fuck appropriateness.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
