I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
