Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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