I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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