My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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