My sheets look like a crime scene.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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