If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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