Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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