I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
