i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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