rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
third nipple confirmed
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
