He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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