i just snorted my name. best moment ever
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
