just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize