Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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