You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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