There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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