i just sent this text using only my big toe
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
