He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
