lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize