I just saw a hot homeless man
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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