i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
