Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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