Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
