he puts the penis in happiness.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am one with the molecules
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
