Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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