At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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