Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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