i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
