just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
ugly people sure do ruin things
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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