Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Its about making memories worth repressing
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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