i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize