A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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